“I earn 10% of what my partner makes.”

The number 10 is a defining figure for us. We’re 10 years apart, met 10 years ago, and I earn 10% of what he makes. The gaps are large, there’s no denying that. But we don’t have some great power imbalance. Our relationship is equal – we both contribute and we both make compromises. Just not in the same way. 

When we first met, he already had an established career and I was still figuring out my next steps. Now, I’m where he was when we met (although earning less), but he’s still leaps ahead of me. 

‘Budget’ is a six-letter word we don’t talk about 

We don’t have children yet but we live together in a rented flat. A lot of our money is separate but we do manage certain aspects of our money together. For household expenses (e.g. rent, utilities, groceries), couple-things (e.g. days out, date nights) and holidays abroad, he pays more – usually 70%, while I cover the remaining 30%. The aspirational feminist in me would like this to be 50% but the reality is that this is what I can afford. 

Even though my contribution isn’t equal to his, it’s still a lot for people my age (and in my income bracket). I know it’s 15% more than what my friends pay towards their rent and bills. 

When it comes to holidays, I like to bargain hunt. And because my job is more flexible with stable hours (relatively), I can plan ahead and book flights based on price – you’d see me at 4am in the airport if I had it my way. But my partner’s job is very different. He only knows at the very last minute if he can jet off. So when we travel together, we tend to almost always travel during peak times, when flights and hotel rates are notoriously high… and there goes my budget flying out the door.

Can I fill the gap with labours of love? 

All in all, I know that he’d happily cover an even higher proportion of the expenses, both at home and on holiday. But we’re building a life together and I want to be a proper contributor to that. 

I think this is why I look to contribute in other ways. I’m not in my ‘tradwife’ era by any means (no banana bread, breakfast orders or all-white cotton nighties here). But it does feel like in any free time I do have, I’m cooking, cleaning or doing some sort of household task. He does what he can, usually at weekends as he works so late during the week. 

This dynamic currently works well for us. But there are some weeks when the pendulum swings too far one way – a gruelling work week followed by labour at home isn’t ideal nor are surprise bills. And it can feel a bit much, pretty quickly, for either one of us. 

I’m not sure how it’ll be if and when our circumstances or priorities change – like if we were to start a family or if either of us wanted to set up a business. Would I be able to juggle everything – and work really demanding hours? Would he be able to take a temporary pay cut and try something riskier? These are big questions we haven’t had to figure out the answers to yet but there’ll come a time when we’ll have to. And even though most couples ask the same ones, they’re more limiting for us because the gap is so large. 

We differ in our approach to money. So what? 

The plan is for us to buy somewhere together but I have less to bring to the table. We’ve had a few conversations about this. Some of them have been very black and white – covering things like how much we each have in savings or how we’d split ownership of the property. Other talks have been more colourful, touching on things like how he’d have to contribute a lot more to the mortgage. But no matter how much we talk about it, I can’t shake the guilt that I’m holding him back. 

I know I’m so lucky to be in a good relationship with someone who’s so generous with his money and sees it as shared. But I just want to feel like my contributions can make a difference. It’s exhausting playing catch up and I want to fill the gap. But realistically, I may never be able to. And although he won’t admit it to me, I know how hard he works to provide for us. This is simply the cost of our age and wage gap – and if one thing’s equal, it’s the burden.