Couples: is there a right way to pool your money?

What’s mine is yours, what’s yours is… well, it depends. When it comes to pooling money – for shared bills, housing and socialising – only a third of couples contribute exactly 50-50, even when one partner earns “noticeably more” than the other.

Others keep things strictly in proportion to their salaries, and some couples don’t even have individual bank accounts in the first place. So, what explains the divide? And is there a ‘fair’ way to manage your money as a couple?

“If you can afford to keep it 50-50, that’s what feels fair”

Phoebe* and her fiancée Maya*, both 29, have been together for three years. Though she earns a little less than Maya, they both contribute the same amount to their joint account. 

“She’s often away with work for months at a time, which means I benefit more from the heating, water, bills and so on – and she’s paying half.”

Ellen*, 34, earns over twice as much as her partner of six years, Jack*, but agrees that an even split is fair: “We’ll always sit down and talk about what he can afford. I’d never push him to pay more than he can, but it’s always 50-50 when we actually do it. If I really want to do something he can’t afford, I’ll do it myself or with a friend rather than subsidise him.”

Fairness is a tricky concept to pin down, and maybe there’s more to it than salaries. Ellen may earn considerably more than Jack but she’s also older than him, further up the career ladder. Jack works for himself in a craft that he’s passionate about – albeit a lower paid one. 

“It’s his choice to have that job, which he loves. I’ve put the time in, 13 years of work, to get to this point where I can afford these things. So, in an awful way, I feel I deserve to keep it for myself. I do wonder if I’ll feel differently when we have kids.”

“I’m terrified of being vulnerable, of being taken advantage of”

Like many of us, Ellen’s attitude to money is shaped by early experiences – Phoebe’s too. Both are the children of divorces. As Vicky Reynal, financial psychotherapist says, “Feelings are really embedded, rooted in our early years. These, I find, can have a really strong grip on us – behaviours driven by certain fears, such as a fear of not belonging, or being abandoned or being rejected.” 

This seems to be the case for Ellen: “I’ve seen my mum go through two divorces, and I’ve seen her lose a lot of money because of those relationships,” she adds, “There’s definitely an element of self-protection. I’ve always wanted to be totally self-sufficient, and I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else. But maybe one day I’ll have to.”

Phoebe feels similarly: “I think part of my resistance to pooling salaries or savings comes from my parent’s divorce. I inherited some money two years ago, and I feel quite protective of it – just as I feel that the money Maya’s recently inherited doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

She adds: “Divorce makes you more conscious of managing your money, and being more careful than your heart might be telling you to be”.

“I’d hate the idea of feeling like one of us was more powerful”

For some though, a pay rise for one is a pay rise for both. Tim*, 37, and his wife Caroline*, 36, have been together for 16 years, and both have their salaries paid directly into their joint account. Almost all of their spending comes from that account, but they transfer £300 each into their personal accounts each month, to spend how they wish.

“Equality in a relationship is really important. And money is such a tricky, emotive subject, which can easily start to feel imbalanced. I think the moment that happens, it tips into the wider relationship,” Tim explains. 

Is the turning point becoming parents? Starting a family introduces another form of (unpaid) labour, which can make defining a ‘financial contribution’ far trickier to nail down.

“As parents, there are already so many things that you’re going to disagree on: your parenting approach, your values. Add money on top of that, and you’re just going to very quickly end up resenting each other,” says Tim.

Others take this idea even further. Isla* and John*, 67 and 68, closed their personal accounts entirely when they had kids, and pooled everything in their joint account: “It becomes about how you pay for things as a family, and the idea of retaining personal money for things like nights out becomes less relevant,” explains Isla.

“Working isn’t just about money”

Our working lives are, of course, very long, so couples’ incomes can ebb and flow. As Isla puts it: “When I stepped back from my career, I contributed in different ways, domestically. A joint account isn’t about putting in exactly equal amounts of money. It’s a recognition of the concept of sharing costs and responsibilities, financial or otherwise”.

What does fairness mean to you, right now? It changes as we evolve; as we enter new phases in our relationships and our lives. As ever, money is about far more than just money. It’s much more complicated and emotional than a spreadsheet of incomes and expenses could ever suggest. 

Ultimately – and perhaps this isn’t a groundbreaking conclusion – communication is key. And deliberation too. Have you ever actually sat down together, and decided if the way you approach money works as well as it could? I can’t say I had. 

Maybe you could even schedule an annual or six month check-in, whatever works for you. Because figuring out the best way to manage money together, looking at where you’re at right now, feels like the bedrock of a solid, happy relationship. And what’s more important than that?

*Names have been changed.