“Starting a family could cost us £25,000.”

Supposedly, you become an adult at 18 in the UK. Elsewhere, it’s 21. But let me tell you: three weeks ago, aged 30, I truly came of age. Why? I got a joint account.

My fiancé Natalia and I have been together for seven years. We got engaged last summer in Bali (we both planned our proposals two days apart without any clue the other was doing the same – very cute) and we’ve just bought a flat together. Through the Shared Ownership scheme, we now own a new build, two-bed in east London. That being said, in true stereotypical lesbian style, we’ve basically lived together since the beginning, and so we’re pretty well-versed in the essentials of adulting as a couple. By that I mean: bills + bins.

Money wise, I’d say we’re pretty average as a pair. Up until three weeks ago, we always managed our money separately and have been fairly intentional about minimising our debt, while investing in ourselves and our skills. Over the past few years, we’ve also been concentrating on increasing our earnings to get our mortgage approved. Full transparency – because that’s important when it comes to talking about money – we also had help from family for our deposit. 

We’ve never been the couple that sits down together with our spreadsheets planning out our financial future. Although we have, of course, spent approximately 7500 minutes talking about how useful that would be (tell me you relate), so the intention is there. 

As two self-employed people whose values centre on adventure and growth, we always prioritise putting money towards the big goals we have together in life. Whether that be travel (mainly travel, we love to travel), making our space feel beautiful (this Libra and Taurus love pretty things) or date nights that nurture our relationship.

If it’s not one of us treating the other, we mainly split the cost of everything, or take turns paying, which tends to feel good and empowers both of us. However, we’ve definitely had some emotional conversations about our cash over the years. This is usually rooted in wanting to start a family while maintaining a lifestyle that allows us to explore the world with our babes in tow. As a queer couple, in some parts of the UK, it can cost up up to £25,000, so it feels daunting. 

And so, when we bought our first flat together, and with 2024 being the year we plan to start the process of having our first baby, it felt right to start grouping some of our money together in a joint account. 

Here’s how it went: 

Week 1: What exactly should go on the joint account?

On Monday evening, we sat down and had a chat about what we’re actually going to use our account for, and decided to start by using it as a true shared spending account. What do I mean by that? That covers: anything house related, food shops, car costs, dinners out (that aren’t date nights, like dinners with friends) so we no longer have to do transfers all the time – and remember who got what last. 

We decided to keep bills/mortgage separate from spending, so that we always have full clarity on what we have left to spend. Having clocked the Spaces feature, we’ll eventually set that up too, but right now any extra cash is going on furniture for the flat, so nothing to put in there yet! 

By Wednesday, we finally took action and both transferred £200 into the account. I instantly felt richer with Nat’s money paired with mine. (Shopping?!) Then I remembered she also gets a notification when I spend… 

Honestly this first week, we both kept forgetting to tap our joint card! We’ve both added it to our Apple wallets now, so must-remember-to-use.

Week 2: Confronting the truth

This week our joint account brought some revelations: 1) We spend so much money on food. 2) We spend an astronomical amount on food. That is it. Ad hoc groceries being the biggest vacuum. Those little runs to Sainsbury’s Local after work totted up to £78 this week. “Cheapy” dinners (that we convince ourselves will be £15 each, no starters, tap water vibes but the bill is usually closer to £50 than £30) come second. We love a little spontaneous Thursday night trip to a local Italian. We don’t really drink much anymore, so our bill was strictly food and soft drinks. Then our weekend strolls to our favourite coffee shop for £3.30 cappuccinos and £3.50 croissants (times two) followed by a browse of the food market, where a tasty Lebanese lunch is in fact mandatory. This £400 is disappearing pronto. 

Although a little confronting at first, this clarity feels good. We’ll be prioritising a big food shop at Lidl next week after browsing the new cookbook so we can still feel excited by some new meals, but also save some cash. We, of course, have made the Dad joke twice already this week: “This one’s on me” followed by a wink and a tap of the joint. Will it ever stop?

Week 3: Beyond money

This week our joint account is actually making me quite emotional. Who would’ve thought.  Look at us being adults, stocking our cupboards with nutritious food, buying plants for our balcony (trawled many aesthetic garden centres but ended up bagging four tropical-garden-children for a total of £60 at B+M home) and really grounding into life – together.

We’ve always been very open and transparent with each other, but it’s so nice to have this new level of trust – to spend on things that add value to our lives.

What’s next?

This has been such an insightful move. Nat and I have always been a team, but I feel like we’re even more united now we have this level of intimacy around our spending. 

It’s minimised the need to talk about annoying little money things, such as “Please can you transfer me that £50 for the shopping we did yesterday?” This made space for way bigger conversations around what we want to do with our money as a couple – now and in the future. 

I thought getting a joint account would mean sacrificing my independence but it’s done the opposite. I still have my own account, Natalia has hers. And now we have this space dedicated to the things we share, that shows how we’re building our life together – it’s special. And so, I can confirm, as two independent women, we’ll be joined at the chip for life.