“I kid myself that I wear the financial trousers.”

It was with mixed feelings of pride and pure horror when my wife and I realised that this year would mark our Silver Wedding anniversary. Having tied the knot in the previous Millennium (ouch!), we were within touching distance of 25 years, had raised two kids, and were still in love. Although we’re in our 50s, we don’t feel it – or act like it, according to our family. And we’ve actively looked after the spark in our relationship by being adventurous and open to trying new things. Most recently, we’ve started experimenting in a new area that has been fascinating, exciting and at times a little bit shocking: that’s right, we opened our first joint bank account. (What did you think I was talking about?)

You see, for most of our adult lives we have steadfastly kept our finances separate. As the main breadwinner, I covered the bills and Marilyn ran the household. At the end of every month, she would tell me how much was needed and I would transfer the money to her account. And it wasn’t very efficient, but it worked pretty well… ish. Then again, I would say that. I worked, but Marilyn did most of the monetary heavy lifting. 

Needless to say, getting a joint account felt long overdue. Setting it up with Starling Bank was the easy part and took a matter of minutes. However, the next four weeks would be the true acid test. Here’s what happened next…

Week 1: Reality bites

We both put two-thirds of our income into one account  – and for a brief moment we feel flush. Then money starts flowing the other way. 

Our miniature pedigree dictator, sorry Dachshund, Ziggy, may be small but he has a big personality and, it turns out, very expensive tastes. For starters, there’s his private healthcare aka pet insurance (£25), he eats a raw food diet (£15), and then there are impending vet bills that we now budget for. 

On top of that, I discover that Ziggy has a personal stylist who cannot resist buying him coats and jumpers (£35), novelty hats and booties (£15) and even bow ties (£10). Yes, you’re as shocked as I am. Marilyn, on the other hand, has no shame. “But look how cute he looks?” she remarks with a gleeful smile. In response, we create a Space on the app simply called “Ziggy”, complete with his digital portrait. In hindsight, we should have named it “The National Debt”.

This also meant deciding what’s essential versus non-essential. The downside is that when I ask if a dog Barbour wax jacket (£39) is ‘essential’ because he hates walking in the rain, I am told ‘yes’ and the conversation is over. 

Week 2: Boys will be boys

Our youngest son Fox has just turned 19, recently completed his A-levels and hopefully will be heading to university. It will be expensive for us (and him), but it is something we have planned for financially and we want to support him. It will be interesting to see how he handles the responsibility of covering his food bills, gym membership, and his box-fresh trainer habit from October.

Back in the day in the years BJA (I am introducing the “Before the Joint Account” acronym as a coping method), I would regularly indulge in “sneaker therapy” and he has clearly followed in his father’s, ahem, footsteps. Now I am older and because my wife can now see how much I am spending, I won’t be buying as many pairs… but when we receive an instant notification on the Starling app for the purchase of some new creps (£120), this time it’s our son. 

In other news, because he passed his driving test earlier this year we don’t have to factor in weekly lessons (£35 an hour) as part of our joint spending. We will miss our son terribly, but the fiscal savings should soften the blow. 

Week 3: All the world’s a stage

Now that we are getting into the groove of the joint account, we start to budget and forward plan. 

Our eldest has just finished an acting degree at the London College of Music. Before you say it, we are already preparing to subsidise Nyah’s profession for the next few years (we reckon 30 should cover it). Joking aside, helping them get established is costly and Marilyn and I have made use of Starling’s Saving Spaces. As an actor, that can be anything from haircuts (£85) and voice lessons (£60), to travel expenses for auditions and headshots with professional photographers. 

Then there are the other artistic endeavours that Marilyn and Nyah enjoy together, such as visits to art galleries, exhibitions and trips to the theatre. I must confess I had been largely ignorant of these expenses – yet another example of how much more my wife does in terms of supporting our kids in following their passions. To assuage my guilt, I make a point of not questioning any pre- or post-trip lunches and dinners.

Week 4: Couple goals

Nearly a month in and one of the surprising benefits of the joint account is that we are talking more and it’s actually brought us closer. That in turn gives us the perfect excuse to order a takeaway, open a bottle of wine and review the week’s Spending Insights by category (our three big payments are groceries, a holiday deposit and birthday meal for our son). Oh… and we file the food delivery under the Treats section.

In truth, that only takes a few minutes leaving us more time to talk about the future – planning holidays, adapting to life without the kids, and our future plans for moving out of London. After nearly 25 years together it feels as though we have finally grown up. 

What did I learn?

The most obvious takeaway has been really understanding where our money goes. It sounds a bit trite, but for years I covered the bills without actually paying attention to what they were. Now, I get it. I also have yet another reason to appreciate Marilyn and her organisational mastery. I kid myself that I wear the financial trousers, but if it wasn’t for my wife they would have fallen down around my ankles long ago. 

That said, I think it’s important for each person to have their own personal account and continue to use it, even after moving joint expenses to one account. After all, when Marilyn sees what I have bought her for our Silver Wedding anniversary, I want her to be surprised. She also definitely wouldn’t have sanctioned it as ‘necessary’. But I do.

I can't believe she spends: So much on hairdressing and haircare products. I could probably afford a hair-transplant in Turkey for what she spends. Now there’s a thought…

Biggest learning: However much you think you are spending, you are actually spending more. As a result, having a joint account makes you much more conscious about budgeting.

Biggest spending: somehow I convinced Marilyn we needed a robot lawnmower (£790). It is brilliant and worth its weight in gold.